i got drunk in my bedroom tonight and liveblogged the dj khaled album

as the title says. at the end of the song i noted which rapper on the song went THE HARDEST and if anyone on the track actually WENT IN

intro ft diddy & busta rhymes

a khaled cold open here. “in life there are people that hustle — in life there are people who grind — and then there is we the best music, who make history.” “i have overcome the evilest hate ever that mankind has ever witnessed.” “this album contains my pain, my blessing. the songs on this album is my voice, the drums on this album is my heart.” “out here grinding. i go hard. i am the streets. when they say kahled they say warrior.” “it’s always the people closest to you who dont’ want you to grow.” is he talking about being legally a midget? is rick ross a hater? i missed where busta rhymes was involved in this intro, prob for the best

oh he just yells “where my niggas is at? where my bitches is at?” for no reason

all i do is win ft t-pain/luda/snoop/ross

yeah this is the worst chorus t-pain has ever written besides that maino song? it sounds like he’s saying “and i can never get it up” but i assume he’s not. luda flows really well on this song but lyrically he’s such a geriatric. he makes reference to the “i’m so hood” rmx. OH HOW I YEARN FOR THE GLORY DAYS. this song actually picks up with ross’s verse. big stadium thump drums, ross sounds a bit thin on the track and decidedly unbossy. i predict that snoop dogg’s verse will suck major ass. *waits for awful chorus to pass*. yeah snoop’s slithery pimp whisper doesn’t really work on runners beats does it now?

after two songs, i would say that rick ross has gone the most hard — i will update

put your hands up ft jeezy/rick ross/plies (thank god)/schife (who?)

between this chorus and “all i do is win” there is lots of hands being put up for indefinite periods of time. this beat sounds like the runners fell asleep on a keyboard. jeezy on the hook here sounds super constipated and we haven’t even hit plies’s verse yet. oh well, plies’ verse was super disappointing. lots of clenched screaming. ross up now, really the only person who still sounds okay over these crap overheated runners beats. this song is really stagnant and really sucks balls, but i guess schife is coming up at least. oh shcife was the dude on the hook i guess. sounds a lot like jeezy.

rick ross again went the most hard and on that song

fed up ft usher/jeezy/rick ross/drake/wayne

i love the concept of this song — like khaled just realizing one day how fed up he is. jeezy’s opening line on this joint — “i am absolutely, positively on my grizzy” — annoys me to no end. usher sounds pretty terrible on this song, his voice is way too thin for runners beats. i already know that usher has the best rap verse on this. haha god damn, some epic fake drake DEEP THOUGHTS on this one — JUST PLEASE DON’T DIE ON EEMMMM — yeah good point i guess. “i go hard like a.c. slater” is the worst wayne line ever that isn’t about defecation. i’m sure people who dig his three years too late “catalina wine mixer” punchline are digging his a.c. slater refs. this song is garbage but has the best chorus.

usher went the hardest on this song. he might have even have gone in.

victory ft john legend & nas

nas being on every dj khaled album is such a weird phenomenon to me. this is just nas spitting over a stadium piano beat and by default is by far the best joint on here so far. not really paying attention to the lyrics but the couplets are stacking up nicely syllabicly (?) here. i will retain this song for my hard drive actually. nas spits for like two & a half mins straight which is good cuz john legend is an annoying hook presence.

nas went extremely hard & he went in on this song

ball ft jim jones & schife

holy shit this is gonna be three verses of jim jones isn’t it??????????? oh my god, his speaking-not-rapping flow is gonna make this song feel like it’s 9 mins long. i once argued over who was better, jim jones or shawty lo. we all lost that argument. this chorus is this guy schife going “ball UH/ball UH/ball UH/ball UH/”. whatever. i’m not listening to the rest of this.

no went hard on this song, and no one went in

rockin all my chains on ft birdman/bun b/soulja boy

i have high expectations for this one. totally anticipating this birdman verse. aw man… bun b phoning in a verse for this album is just the epitome of lazy. “i got yams like thanksgiving dinner/trap goin ham like thanksgiving dinner.” good heavens. i hope he bought his loved ones nice things with the $20 grand or whatever he got for this feature. oh boy birdman just rhymed chicken/chicken/chicken/kitchen. soulja boy really has the opportunity to redeem this song or take it to depths yet unseen. hahaha wtf this song starts off with soulja singing “la la la” for a few bars. south beach & mouthpiece is probably the best rap on here. “i’m a dog, motherfuck a damn leash.” fair enough.

i would have to say that soulja boy went hardest on this song, but he did not go in

killing me ft/ buju banton, busta rhymes & bounty killer

this beat is this percolating keyboard thing that sounds like a clock ticking. buju banton has a verse. it sounds like a buju banton verse idk. this chorus is terrible. busta: “swag undeniabububle/shawty’s beauty undescribububle” — if anyone else listened to this album i would make a poll for “most phoned in verse on dj khaled’s ‘victory'” because every song brings something lazier than the song before it. bounty killer verse is alright i guess.

bounty killer went hardest on this song, but he did not go in

bringing real rap back ft rum

is this song a fucking joke? who the hell is rum? what kind of name is this? THERE IS ALREADY A GUY NAMED GUNPLAY, GUY. jesus this guy terrible. this is like if a sewer rat could rap. I AM BRINGING MY SKIP BUTTON BACK, RUM

bring the money out ft nelly/jeezy/ace hood/boosie

this is a hilarious group. nelly is using a weird cadence here. most uptempo beat here — triumphant keyboards that would be strings if anyone cared about this album. nice hook from jeezy. boosie totally phoned his verse in here but it’s nice to hear his voice & energy here amongst this general world’s fair of mediocrity. this beat is pretty nice. second best song on here easily after the nas joint. oooh some nice grocery bag lines from ace hood — “i’m the shit, period… GOTEX/ fuck a hater in his thoughts… SAFE SEX” & “mr. hood stretch money… BOWFLEX” — well nice to know that ace hood is making culturally relevant references, here in the year of our lord, 2002.

i would say that boosie went the hardest, and he went… halfway in. just the tip of in.

on my way ft kevin cossum/ace hood/gunplay/ball greezy/desloc piccalo/rum/ice berg

this has to be the most incomprehensible posse cut ever to appear on a major label album? btw that list is not one of those test questions like “WHICH OF THESE PEOPLE DOES NOT EXIST” — i think ace hood & gunplay just rapped? i literally have no idea what any of these guys voices sound like. ball greezy had that really amazing song a few years back, funny to see him show up here. he said his name in his verse here and he can actually flow. i believe that i am listening to desloc piccalo right now? i’m in college, i’m 21, and i’m sitting here on my bed drinking beer in my room alone, listening to desloc piccalo rap. i’m sorry mom.

ball greezy went the hardest here, but he did not go in

i am drinking dos equis right now & can confirm that i am not the most interesting person in the world tonight

i can’t think of a more uninteresting 6 minute song than that one

rep my city ft pitbull/jarvis

not only does this album have the most phone in verses and choruses and beats in recent memory, but it also has the most phoned in rapper names. iceberg, rum, jarvis. pitbull is on this song rapping spanish. i won’t hate. this beat is alright, some cool drum programming in the context of this album. and you can actually here the bass. i’m not gonna listen to this whole thing though.

this album was garbage, only a few verses went hard and i think only nas truly went in. OH WELL.

i am now going to cleanse my spirit by listening to “holla at me”

can we just reflect on what a desloc piccolo is

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5 responses to “i got drunk in my bedroom tonight and liveblogged the dj khaled album

  1. post is a winner! I especially appreciate you letting the masses know that those who go hard don’t necessarily go in (pause?) or vice versa. The difference between these categories is sometimes hard to parse.

    google tells me that desolo is on facebook, and that we can’t stop his vibe: http://www.facebook.com/people/Desloc-Piccalo/637898167

    it is also extremely weird that y’all don’t about piccolo since he has a twitter account FILLED with tweets that ALL end with “Yall Kn0w!!”

  2. Loved your almost technical use of dumb phrases like “go hard”, who’ve lost every meaning they may once have had thru their inflationary use on message boards etc.

    But you’ve missed a big chance by not ending your post with the assessment that Khaled’s album ist “Straight Fire!”

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